Learning to "Fight Fair"

Greetings!

This is my first post to the Triune Blog! I am really excited about sharing with you some of the topics that I consider most important to our becoming a balanced, holistic individual. Developing the knowledge and skill set to manage our relationships effectively serve many purposes, including self-respect and the respect of others in our life. When we become upset or angry, we often do not have the essential skills to turn this negative emotional experience into a catalyst for change and transformation; inevitably, the "problems" become repetitious and we drift apart out of frustration...in essence, we give up! We don't come to resolution, get our needs met, and experience satisfying, loving partnerships.
Learning to "fight fair" is an important skill to develop so that we may turn "lead" into "gold"!!
Dr. Sherri Edelman, Clinical Psychologist and Licensed Counselor

LEARNING TO FIGHT FAIR

Q: How do you know if you need to learn more about fair fighting? Here is an example of dialogue between a couple.

David: Hi, how was your day?

Sandy: Fine, how was yours?

David: Terrible, I don’t think I’m going to make the quota for the company trip to Hawaii.

Sandy: Listen, don’t make yourself too comfortable, because I made a reservation for dinner and we have to be there in fifteen minutes.

David: Are you serious? I’m not feeling at all like going out!

Sandy: What do you mean? It’s all arranged. I had to move mountains to get this reservation!

David: It wasn’t arranged with me! I don’t know where you’re going with this. I’m exhausted and depressed and I’m not going anywhere. Anyway, we’re broke.

Sandy: You always say you’re tired, and you never want to go out anywhere anymore. I’m trapped in this house all day, and then stuck in it all night because we don’t have any money. I’m sick of it and we’re going out!

They are excellent candidates for learning fair fighting: when we need to deal with intimates about important issues where there is a conflict or disagreement, we need to develop skills and strategies.

Q: What is it that you are trying to accomplish with fair fighting?

Fair Fighting has two functions:
1)negotiate for change in a particular situation, OR
2)disclose something that upsets you without requiring any change that needs to be made

Fair Fighting is an art and a skill like dancing, not a bull fight. The style of the fight is more important than the content.

Fighting and expressing anger are seen as healthy ways of removing back up and interference so couples can regroup and become more intimate again.

Q: How will learning to Fight Fair be beneficial?

Benefits for learning to fight fair:
1)greater self knowledge
2)freedom
3)security
4)power
5)INTIMACY

Also, you develop the skills to be more self-reflective and self-responsible about your own negative emotions!

Q: What are the steps one would need to take to “Fight Fair”?

Fight For Change

Learn the “Rules of Fair Fighting”

Learn about “Special Purpose Fights”

Often an objective person is helpful in the early stages of learning and practicing these skills. Consider some support, if even for a brief time, until you are on your way to a new way of relating...fairly!!

Dr. Sherri Edelman