Move Beyond Breakable Resolutions

Most people make New Year’s resolutions each year – often making the same ones year after year. Why don’t we keep them? Consider what types of resolutions you are making. Are your resolutions goals you think you should have? Or are your resolutions goals society deems important?
Perhaps you don’t make resolutions at all because history tells you that you’ll break them eventually. What if instead you made a commitment to make this year extraordinary for yourself by designing your life and living with intention rather than reacting to the circumstances of your life? You may be thinking “easier said than done” but, in fact, creating a life that energizes you and stems from what is most important to you is simpler than you may think.
Who Is Really Running Your Life?
Imagine that our lives are like an onion. The outer layers are filled with other people’s expectations, rules, judgments, etc. In other words, all the “shoulds” in our lives. As you peel back some more layers, you get to the strategic part of yourself; this is the part that has figured out how to get what we want (e.g., “If I do X , then I should get Y”). As you continue to peel back each layer, you eventually get to the core. This core is your true self and what you really want.
You end up experiencing struggle and stress when your core is not aligned with the outer layers. When you make choices based on the “shoulds” or good ideas, your energy and commitment is often lower than when you make choices based on what lights you up and what is really most important in your life right now. Therefore, the more you can get in touch with what is really at your core, the more you can start to make choices that are intentional and serve your core as opposed to fighting it and trying to fit a mold you’ve decided others have of you.
Finding Your Core or True Self:
The outer layers certainly have their place, but most of us live our lives on the outer, strategic layers and just aimlessly go through life without a true sense of direction or purpose. Or perhaps we think we have a direction but haven’t stopped to think of how we’ll know once we’ve gotten there and what value this direction brings to our life. For example, you may know that if you exercise or eat healthy you will feel better and have more energy. But if you don’t go deeper than that to look at what “energy” looks like for you and what value it brings to your life, you will continue to stop short of your true goal.
However, when you do the work to continue to peel back the layers and get really clear about the core, your next steps just make sense. You can stop trying to figure out how to get where you want to go because it will be so clear. The key is to keep peeling back layers until you get in touch with what is really most important to you. If you’re not sure, keep digging. Most of our goals are really strategies designed to get us something else or bring us closer to something else. Your job is to determine what is underneath those strategies and what it is you really want; often a coach can be a powerful tool to serve you in finding this clarity.
Here is an example of getting to the core:
Coach: “What is it that you’re really wanting for yourself?”
Coachee: “I really want to lose weight?”
Coach: “What about losing weight is important to you?”
Coachee: “I don’t want to be at risk for disease. I know I’d feel better about myself and have more self-confidence and would have more energy. I just can’t seem to get motivated.”
Coach: “Tell me a little more about what self-confidence looks like for you.”
Coachee: “Well, I wouldn’t be worried what people think and would feel good in my clothes. I’d have energy to take on more stuff and would be more social than I am now…”
Coach: “That’s great. Can you tell me a little more about this energy you’d have since you’ve mentioned that a few times now?”
Coachee: “Sure. For me, having energy would mean not hitting snooze 3 times in the morning. I wouldn’t get sleepy around 2 p.m. and would be alert and be able to get all the things done I need to each day.”
Coach: “So, based on where you are right now, what is it you are really wanting and is most important to you?”
Coachee: “I guess what I’m really wanting is more energy…”
Coach: “Great. With that, what would it look like for you to have more energy in your life this week?”
This is a simplified example but shows that pausing to ask some simple questions peels back those layers until clarity emerges. Once this individual is clear that it is really energy that he/she is wanting, choices can be made in terms of “what will bring me the most energy right now?” The clarity of the core or true goal allows for better choices to be made where you are now designing your life rather than reacting to it.
It’s about simply pausing in the moment and asking yourself, “are my choices, actions, thoughts, etc. consistent with my core, or what is most important to me?” If not, then you have the power to change then so they are in alignment; it’s that simple. And it’s about not losing sight of what is really most important to you in the long run when that part of you emerges that would rather have immediate gratification – even if it’s not aligned with what you want most.
“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want MOST for what we want NOW.” ~Zig Ziglar
You Train the World How to Treat You!
When you feel that struggle because what is most important to you and in alignment with your core is not supported by those around you, it’s a sign that perhaps you have some work to do to re-train those around you or simply speak up for yourself. Will it happen overnight? Of course not! However, the more you start saying “no” to things that are not aligned with your true self and where you want to be and start saying “yes” to those that are, the less struggle you will ultimately have. The key is starting by shifting your own thinking first.
What a powerful thing you can do for yourself this year! What if you simply committed to spending some time getting clarity about what really is most important to you? What might open up for you? Often finding this clarity about what is most important allows you to make choices without any residual guilt or “shoulds” because there’s a sense of peace when your choices come from that place of clarity.
Think about it, whenever you catch yourself judging someone or thinking “it should be this way” rather than how it currently is, it’s like telling someone, “excuse me, but would you mind not being you and instead being some image I’ve created for you that fits with my own thoughts, opinions, etc.?” But when you accept the world around you for what it is and then ask yourself “given these circumstances that I can’t change, what is it I’m wanting for myself?” This allows you to take on even the toughest challenges because you’re taking control of your role in your life and surroundings rather than getting upset about the circumstances or wasting energy trying to make things something they are not.
So make a different type of resolution this year and instead commit to YOU!
Author: Rosie Ward, MPH, CHES, Intrinsic Coach™; Health and Wellness Director, Northwestern Health Sciences University.
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